Also, I highly recommend checking out (and following!) Selective Potential, especially if you're into fashion, graphic design, marriage, and/or adventures. It is overflowing with incredible inspiration.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Life, Death, & Everything In Between
I feel like lately, I'm constantly surrounded by reminders of the preciousness & fragility of life. You know, the whole, "This moment, right now, is all that we have, so make the best of it," recurrences... With that being said, I find myself pondering the overwhelming fear of death... again. I wrote something about this awhile back. Let's see if I can find it.
Ah, found it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I've never been terribly fearful of death. Well, I once was, but that's normal for a young child. You know, when you get scared that if your mom leaves the house, she won't come back. That sort of thing. I had that fear when I was very young. But, like mostly everything, it faded with time and age.
Today though, I awakened with this overwhelming fear of death. My own death. Dying before I've done all that I could/should/would like to do and accomplish. I'm absolutely mind-boggled. I feel as though death is all around me. Maybe it's just the weather; I don't know. We talked about it in my Social Problems class yesterday. Ever since then, it's been popping up sporadically, and it's freaking me out!
I wrote an email to my mom, and in the first sentence, I subconsciously said, "Today I woke up feeling like death." I went on to explain to her that my head felt like it weighed a billion pounds. I ate breakfast and started to feel better. Then I started working out, and my body went insane! I got 20 minutes into cardio and had to stop because I was shaking uncontrollably. My head spun so bad that it felt like it was going to detach itself from my body. My heart felt like it was going to literally explode. I felt so instantaneously weak, and it took all of the effort in the world to do even the simplest of tasks. It was so strange. I turned my Itunes on [Shuffle] because music usually calms me down. The first song to play was, "Rumors of My Demise Have Been" by Rise Against. In this song, within the first minute or so, the lyrics go like this: "When I die, will they remember that what I did, or what I haven't done" and then it says, "It's life that scares me to death." Exactly what I'd rather not have heard at the moment, of course. Haha.
Then I thought of the survey that I filled out last night, in which the question, "How do you want to die?" was asked. My response was, "Asleep with the one I love, after I've done all that God has set for me to do and then some." I truly mean that. But then I thought, what if God's plan for me comes to a close soon? What if I've already done all that He wished for me to do? That's when I became terrified.
Now, as I think about it more, I realize that worrying is worthless. It's nothing but a waste of time and energy. I realize that what I fear more than death, is being forgotten. I fear that all of my journals will be disregarded and thrown away. This would shatter my still heart into a million pieces. If anything ever did happen to me, I'd want my journals to be read. I'd want all of my thoughts, ideas, and beliefs to be known, and my secrets to be revealed. My struggles and lessons learned to be of use to others. My experiences to benefit others just as they've benefitted me. That's one of the reasons why I write-- I want to leave my soul behind, so when I'm gone, I'll not only be remembered, but I'll hopefully continue to help others in need of an optimistic approach or endless empathy.
This brings me to my final realization:
It isn't death that I fear. It's life, unlived and incomplete.
(Yes, I am aware that "unlived" is not a word that can be found in a dictionary; however, I think it should be.)
Ah, found it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I've never been terribly fearful of death. Well, I once was, but that's normal for a young child. You know, when you get scared that if your mom leaves the house, she won't come back. That sort of thing. I had that fear when I was very young. But, like mostly everything, it faded with time and age.
Today though, I awakened with this overwhelming fear of death. My own death. Dying before I've done all that I could/should/would like to do and accomplish. I'm absolutely mind-boggled. I feel as though death is all around me. Maybe it's just the weather; I don't know. We talked about it in my Social Problems class yesterday. Ever since then, it's been popping up sporadically, and it's freaking me out!
I wrote an email to my mom, and in the first sentence, I subconsciously said, "Today I woke up feeling like death." I went on to explain to her that my head felt like it weighed a billion pounds. I ate breakfast and started to feel better. Then I started working out, and my body went insane! I got 20 minutes into cardio and had to stop because I was shaking uncontrollably. My head spun so bad that it felt like it was going to detach itself from my body. My heart felt like it was going to literally explode. I felt so instantaneously weak, and it took all of the effort in the world to do even the simplest of tasks. It was so strange. I turned my Itunes on [Shuffle] because music usually calms me down. The first song to play was, "Rumors of My Demise Have Been" by Rise Against. In this song, within the first minute or so, the lyrics go like this: "When I die, will they remember that what I did, or what I haven't done" and then it says, "It's life that scares me to death." Exactly what I'd rather not have heard at the moment, of course. Haha.
Then I thought of the survey that I filled out last night, in which the question, "How do you want to die?" was asked. My response was, "Asleep with the one I love, after I've done all that God has set for me to do and then some." I truly mean that. But then I thought, what if God's plan for me comes to a close soon? What if I've already done all that He wished for me to do? That's when I became terrified.
Now, as I think about it more, I realize that worrying is worthless. It's nothing but a waste of time and energy. I realize that what I fear more than death, is being forgotten. I fear that all of my journals will be disregarded and thrown away. This would shatter my still heart into a million pieces. If anything ever did happen to me, I'd want my journals to be read. I'd want all of my thoughts, ideas, and beliefs to be known, and my secrets to be revealed. My struggles and lessons learned to be of use to others. My experiences to benefit others just as they've benefitted me. That's one of the reasons why I write-- I want to leave my soul behind, so when I'm gone, I'll not only be remembered, but I'll hopefully continue to help others in need of an optimistic approach or endless empathy.
This brings me to my final realization:
It isn't death that I fear. It's life, unlived and incomplete.
(Yes, I am aware that "unlived" is not a word that can be found in a dictionary; however, I think it should be.)
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